I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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