The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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