did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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