respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
