Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
