so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
