While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
