i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
