Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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