i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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