He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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