Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
