I faked an abortion last night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
