Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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