yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
