...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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