please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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