but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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