we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
