And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
we're so committed to being not committed
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
