We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You have to summon your inner elephant
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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