Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
