wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
