I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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