There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
