WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
