I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
