My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
