im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
