Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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