Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I want to make a zoo with you.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
