feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
