my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
