____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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