I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
