when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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