WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ttyl tear gas
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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