My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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