Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
