You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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