So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
