Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
