I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
