Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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