If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
