I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
