Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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