the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
