We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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