Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
