He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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